Monday, December 5, 2011

The lost Hijab

there was a time,
not too long ago,
Hijab was your shield,
strong and might,
adorned day and night,
not a strand of hair will see the light.

there was a time,
not too long ago,
Hijab was your armour,
against the men who unguard their eyes,
you were protected,
with your own effort,
to be in His Grace,
Hijab was your way to show,
you are devoted to only Him.

that was a time,
now long gone,
your Hijab became looser,
thinner by the day,
strands of hair, dareth you show them,
plotting ways to catch their eyes,
you want them to look at you,
look at you, look-

a man rang the doorbell,
and you opened the door,
the Hijab lies in your room,
as you laid it to rest,

another man close to your heart,
calls you every night on your screen,
the Hijab lies in the closet,
as you laid it to rest.

there was a time so long ago,
when the Hijab was your shield,

you stood there bare naked now,
to those eyes that feast upon you,
and you pushed away His Grace,
as you laid the Hijab to rest.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

If you have

If you have
(when you see a Muslim performs solat, or when you hear the azan, or a person reciting the Quran)
that's the starting point of Allah opening your heart to Him

and then
If you feel you're about to 

that's when you know, you heart and your soul yearns for Allah Taala ,

That's when you know, you need Islam in you life
-and you'll know where to look.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

101 Questions to a Mualaf...

Which was my first step towards Islam?
    the beginning of curiosity. I've asked many, many questions about existence, meaning of life, why the differences in all of us, our religions. 

What brought me deeper into Islam?
    the first of many nights i've spent reading the translated version of Quran. Even when i was disappointed by life, crushed down by the weight of society, i continued reading, for the words brought me PEACE.

Why Islam?
    Its PERFECTION. Everything falls into place. The history of mankind, its many religions, the 4 kitabs. Reasons behind every actions. Meanings behind the devotion to Allah Taala. 

Were you 100% sure when you chose to say the Syahadah?
     No. Although I am 100% convinced Allah S.W.T is the truth. I'm not 100% sure that it' was the right time,if i will have the support that i needed. I believe it was FAITH in ALLAH that has guided me. Although I am not sure it's the right decision at that time, I let my faith in Allah to help and show me the way. I submitted myself, my everything to Allah Taala, and I recited the Syahadah.

What happened next?
     it wasn't as i've expected. I embraced Islam with zero knowledge of Fardhu Ain. You can ask me things said in the Quran, but I do not know how to Zahir them. I felt empty and helpless. I felt unsure. But again, it was my faith in Allah, the One, which brought me through.

     My friend introduced me to Fardhu Ain, the 5 Pillars of Islam, and the 6 Pillars of Iman. I was guided throughout my learning to solat.

How did you learned to perform the solat?
     Books and videos and observations. I quietly observed my friends perform their prayers and try them myself. I memorized the readings slowly. It took me 1 month to know them all by heart.
I started with performing the Zohor prayer daily, then, by the end of the month, I'm already performing the 5 daily prayers.

What did you feel when you performed your first solat?
     Alhamdulillah, and syukur. I don't remember if there were tears, but I remember the feeling of relief and satisfaction. As if the whole of my body has finally learned what it's supposed to do. I remember how i loved performing the prayers, but kept getting myself frustrated because I kept making mistakes that I have to repeat the solat again.

     Back then, I figured the more practise i can get, the better i'll be. So i'll find any chance i have to perform solat, be it solat sunat rawatib, sunat tahajud or just sunat mutlak.

    I love the feeling of sitting on the prayer mat, facing the kiblah, and knowing Allah Taala is accepting you as His servant. be continued

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


O' Allah,

do You love her more?
do You hold him closer than me?
do You treasure them more than you treasure me?

w.h.e.r.e. can i find You, when i need You most?

Wednesday, July 27, 2011


We're tested on and upon,

Say it with your heart,

Syukur Alhamdulillah.


Do men think that they will be left alone on saying, 'We believe,' and that they will not be tested? We did test those before them, and Allah will certainly know those who are true from those who are false.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Sabar, wahai Sabar.


wahai Sabar,

seruan padamu sering didatangi air mata,

tangisan keseorangan, sama ada dilihat

mahupun hanya disimpan,

lelaki, mahupun perempuan,

namun bagi mereka yang benar kaulewati,

sebalik tangisan kau berikan kekuatan,

yang mengukir ketenangan di batuan pilu.


wahai Sabar,

masa mungkin menjadi musuh ketatmu,

namun padamu ia tak wujud,

yang ada hanyalah kalungan doa dan seruan harapan,

serta redha yang menyiram bungaan mimpi-mimpi layu.

Sabar, wahai


mereka yang kau temani sering dipanggil bodoh,

menunggu sesuatu yang kabur,

habuan dan ganjaran jauh sekali dimata.

namun mereka yang mengerti, mereka juga ketahui,

pabila Sabar membuahkan Redha,

inilah ganjaran terhebat,

dan Sabar, ni rahsiamu yang teramat halus.


wahai Sabar,


Sunday, May 22, 2011

Shaken earth

T'was 21st of May, 2011, any Saturday afternoon...
when Allah s.w.t shaken the earth with His power,

an orphanage (Madrasah al-Taqwa) which housed boys aged 8-18 years old was hit by landslides.

the news reported that it was two landslides hitting the orphanage at the same time.

49 people were in the orphanage area at the time.

a group of young children(24-25 including their wardens), were rehearsing a performance under an outdoor tent, for some guests scheduled to visit them later in the evening.

they were the first victims of the landslides.

the landslides hit the orphanage at around 2.30pm.

The rescue team continued their rescue effort, amidst the heavy rain.

at exactly 5.05 am, 22nd May, 2011, the last victim (an 8 year-old boy) was finally dug up from the wreckage.

According to the final report, a total of 16 people (children & adults) lost their lives, while 9 other survived with 3 of them with major injuries.

-gratitude & respect, to the rescue team who made the undying effort in saving the victims.

O'Allah, 'Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un'

-To Allah we belong, and to Him is our return-

truly You are the holder of life and death,
of the earth, the rain, the sky,the wind,

from You came all the wrath,
to let us not forget to Whom we belong,
it is from You too, came all the beauty, the peace, the strength, and the faith,

that when You choose to give,
nothing can hold You from it,
and when You choose to take away,
not a thing in this universe can stop You from doing so,

O' Allah,
grant them the strength to go through this ordeal, with patience and preservation,
grant them the faith in You, to hold unto You, and bear this pain,

bless them, the souls of the dead,
ease their journeys in the Hereafter,
protect them, and have mercy for them,
forgive them for all their sins in this world,

.....truly, You are the Greatest, the Most Merciful, the Most Forgiving.


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

twisted heart.


about you that says,

y.o.u.'l.l. b.e. a.r.o.u.n.d.

in my life,

whenever i turn to you.


"The hearts of all of the children of Adam (peace be upon him) are like a single heart between two of the fingers of the All-Merciful, and the All-merciful twists this heart in whatever way is willed"

if you twist this heart, Lord,
twist it, into the heart that loves You,
and finds peace in You,
and in Your faithful servants.
twist it, so that this heart,
yearns for You,
and in this heart that feels love,
will bring itself closer to You.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

afraid im not...

i am not p.e.r.fe.c.t,
i have my f.l.a.w.s,

b.u.t i am willing to l.e.a.r.n,
and stand up for what i in,

i am not afraid of m.i.s.t.a.k.e.s,
because they t.e.a.c.h me more than success does,

i am not .a.f.r.a.i.d. of giving up things dear to me,
i am not afraid of losing it all,

if the g.a.i.n is in You.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Reminders for your heart

I posted this in my FB notes sometime ago. Turns out, i'm the one that needs it most right now, just hoping everything will be fine soon:-

When you capture yourself asking these questions...or saying these things...

return to His Words.

Why am I being tested?


Do men think that they will be left alone on saying, 'We believe,' and that they will not be tested? We did test those before them, and Allah will certainly know those who are true from those who are false.

Why can't i get what i desire??


Fighting is prescribed for you, and you dislike it. But it is possible that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knows, and you know not.

Why do i feel so burdened with this calamity..?


On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns.


"Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which You did lay on those before us; Our Lord! Lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins, and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. You are our Protector; help us against those who stand against faith."



So lose not heart, nor fall into despair: for you must gain mastery if you are true in faith.

How must i handle my troubles.?


Nay, seek (Allah's) help with patient preserverance and prayer: it is indeed hard, except to those who bring a humble spirit-

What do I get from these trials and tribulations?


Allah has purchased of the believers their persons and their goods; for theirs (in return) is the garden (of paradise): they fight in His cause, and slay and are slain: a promise binding on Him in truth, through the law, the Gospel, and the Qur'an: and who is more faithful to his covenant than Allah? Then rejoice in the bargain which you have concluded: that is the achievement supreme.

To whom should i put my hopes on?


But if they turn away say: Allah suffices me: There is no god but He: On Him is my trust- He is the Lord of the throne (of glory) supreme!

No....I just cant face this!!


"O my sons! Go you and enquire about Joseph and his brother, and never give up hope of Allah's soothing mercy: truly no one despairs of Allah's soothing mercy, except those who have no faith.


Sunday, April 24, 2011


Syukur Alhamdulillah,

all praises be to the Lord, Allah swt.

Syukur Alhamdulillah,

all praises be to Allah, the Almighty, the All-Forgiving,

He that has given so much,

yet asking none in return,

but in our faithfulness to His ibadah.

I miss Him, Allah Taala.
I long for the day to meet Him, my Creator,
if an orphan who finally found his long lost parents after 20 years can cry,
i cannot fathom the feelings of finally meeting Him, the Creator of everything.

If a child who lost his parents in a supermarket for two hours can feel so much fear,
that was how i felt, before He found me, in this maze of life.

Syukur alhamdulillah, He has brought me here in His path,

all praises be to Him, to His Final Messenger, Rasulullah saw,
all praises be to His angels, His Prophets,
and to those He has promised heaven.

I long for the day to meet Him,
and He'll say 'Salamun!'
just like in Yasin, verse 58, " Salamun! Qawlam-mir rabbir rahim!"
"Peace on you! will be the word form the most-merciful Lord"
to finally meet Him,

till then,

I shall sing my praises to Him,
I shall sing praises in His name,
till my tears dry,
till the morning sun rises,

till then,

Syukur, syukur alhamdulillah.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Hijau Si Buta

Si Buta,

tak pernah lihat,

tak pernah nampak,

tak pernah celik,

segala yang dunia tawarkan,

semua yang sudah manusia tengok,

yang biru itu langit,

yang hijau itu rumput,

yang jernih itu air,

dan yang berwarna-warni itu benda.

Si Buta,



dan buta itu menyusahkan?

tetapi si Buta tak pernah melihat apa yang diharamkan,

buta itu perisai kepada godaan nafsu dan syaitan,

dan kerana itu hatinya terpelihara,

dan kerana itu hatinya lebih celik,


biru si buta itu ketenangan,

warna-warni si buta itu kegembiraan,

jernih si buta itu kesucian,

dan hijau si buta itu paling berharga daripada emas,

kerana dia si buta yang megetahui, hijau itu pakaian syurga,

dan biru kita biru langit,

hijau kita hijau rumput,

warna-warni kita benda yang mewah,

siapakah yang lagi beruntung,

jika bukan si buta yang mengenali hijau,

dan dia berjalan ke arah itu.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Ini jalan berduri

Penantian itu suatu penyeksaan,

Penantian terhadap sesuatu yang sungguh rapuh menambah pilu,

senyap dalam penantian jawapan dipenuhi seribu kata tanpa disedari,

dan diri ini, takkan bisa mendapat apa yang sempurna dalam jalanNya.

Ini jalan berduri,

Ini jalan menyimpan seribu keraguan,

Ini jalan yang meminta sejuta pengorbanan,

dan langkah pertama yang membuka dunia baru,

hanya satu permulaan.

Jauhnya keberanian, bila duri-duri mula mencucuk,

indahnya kesakitan, melihat apa yang dijanjikanNya.

Murahnya air mata, bila jejak langkah sudah bermula,

Pedang-pedang menusuk daging,

tak terbanding dengan tusukan jiwa oleh kuasaNya.

Ini jalan berduri, namun tersimpan mawar-mawar mekar indah,

Ini jalan seribu keraguan, namun menanti satu janji indah,

Ini jalan sejuta pengorbanan, namun Dia yang menanti, mencukupkan segala.

Sakitnya, bila duri-duri yang dulu dipandang dari jauh sudah mula menusuk,

dan hanya dalam sabar dan tawakal,

langkah perlahan ini mampu diteruskan.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

The dream

Dreams. How many times in my life, have dreams showed something significant?
I had a dream last night. A dream of war.
Not just any war.

but the war in Afghanistan...

I dreamed i was there, a witness to the horror and fear surrounding the land that every breath was infused with them.

Most vividly, i dreamed of the children...

I witnessed the enemy collected and gathered all the young children, in a space, a muddy field, barren land...

and they were murdered. Mass annihilation of the children in Afghanistan.

I witnessed horror that befell them.
....their hands and legs were chopped off... while still alive,
and were left to bleed to death.

I saw a father,
....unwilling to let go of his child,
and then the enemies came,
and chopped of the child's body, while the father was still clinging on to him,

and all was left, was the father, holding his child's head, crying in grief.

In the dream, I was, unprepared to witness the horror.
I managed to escape to somewhere safe, back to the ship that brought all of us (a group of journalists) there.

The fear felt so real.
That in my heart i said, "Allah, i was unprepared". "We will all die here".

I wrote in a book, what i saw. I remembered thinking, the whole world needs to know what is happening here. And it will be my duty to see through that this piece of writing reaches them.

And then i asked a man in the ship,
"If we die here, is it 'mati syahid'?"
He said yes.

and syahid is the best death that Allah swt can give to His servant.
In that dream, i accepted the fate.
To Allah i said, "I am ready. To die in your service."

and i woke up.

All these while, how i've been ignorant... How i've looked at the pictures of people, my fellow Islam brothers and sisters got killed to protect their land, their religion. To protect Allah swt's dignity. How i feel helpless, clueless in helping them.

And now,
i've been given a glimpse of how, if i were to fulfill my duty.. i should have been there. To fight
with them.

And give my life in the name of Allah swt.

How many of us, are willing to let go of everything else, and go to war against the enemies of Islam, and give our life in His name?

It is difficult.

yet right now, even if it is just a dream...
in another part of this earth,

another fellow brother and sister is being tortured and killed in the hands of the enemies...

Forgive me, Allah.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


in my deepest desire,
more than anything else,
i want to have this....

a Muslim family....

to guide me in Islam,
to teach me to read His surahs,
to tell me stories of Hadith, stories of the Prophet Muhammad(pbuh),

parents who will tell me never to forget my solat,

parents who will say they will offer doa for me,

parents who will tell me in times of trouble "Seek for Allah, He will guide us",

more than anything else,
just like any other Muslim friends who have it,


no matter how hard i wish for,
this is something i'll never have.

engkau. tanah

engkau tanah yang terbiar?

menjadi padang perebutan tangan ke tangan.

engkau perjuangan yang dilupakan?

menjadi perigi menadah darah insani syahid,

menjadi sasaran tusukan pedang berdendam,

dan hanya mereka yang kehilangan, mengerti nilaimu.

engkau tanah yang dimiliki?

mereka merampas bersenjatakan kejam,

dan mereka-mereka yang menangisi engkau

yang sedikit demi sedikit hilang dari genggaman,

dimanakah kebebasan dalammu?

dimanakah perginya segala yang melakar sejarahmu sejak azali?

dimanakah hilangnya mereka yang berjanji mempertahankanmu?

dan dimanakah mereka yang seharusnya berjuang untuk saudara-saudara mereka?

dan engkau jatuh kerana mereka yang terlupa,

dan engkau terus menakung darah-darah dan air mata insani lemah,

dan di atasmu, pedang kekejaman masih berkilau megah,

bilakah kau kan berdiri kembali,

bersama kegemilanganNya yang menciptamu?

bersama umatnya yang beriman?

atau kau kan terus jatuh.

kerana kini iman hanya suatu permainan.

(inspired from Palestine's plight)

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Yang ku-cari

Yang kucari,

bukanlah harta sejuta peti,

bukanlah kaya seumur hidup,

dan bukanlah emas sepenuh bilik.

Yang kuidamkan,

bukanlah wajah secantik bunga,

bukanlah tubuh seindah mekar,

bukanlah baju semahal sutera,

dan bukanlah teman yang dilihat pada rupa.

Yang kuimpikan,

bukanlah rumah sebesar istana,

bilik-bilik semewah bangsawan,

kereta-kereta sederet menunggu,

mahupun makan minum setanding raja-raja.


dalam jiwa dan hati yang kerap dihasut cemburu,

nafsu dan termakan pujian syaitan,

lebih daripada segalanya,

yang kuinginkan,

hanya keredhaanMu,

air mata yang jatuh keranaMu,

hati yang selalu mengingatiMu,

jiwa yang bersyukur keranaMu,

suara yang selalu memuji namaMu, ayat-ayatMu,

sepasang mata yang dapat melihat kekuasaanMu,

lutut,tubuh,dan dahi yang tak henti-henti bersujud keranaMu.

dan segala yang lain telah dan akan dicukupkanMu.

Inilah yang kucari.yang kuingin.dan yang kuimpikan.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Mungkin sebati


bila segala kotoran telah hilang,

dan yang tinggal, ialah,

jiwa yang bersih,

yang jernih,

yang suci,

kan bebas dari segala kealpaan,

kan dibuka segala kunci sangkar-sangkar penjara-penjara nasfu dan syaitan,

agar tiada lagi kehitaman dalam jiwa,

dan yang tinggal,

segala yang bersih,

segala yang jernih,

segala yang suci,

dan akan dirasakan ringan seperti kapas,

halus bagai sutera,

kewujudan yang sungguh sempurna daripada tanganNya,

dan akan bersebati dengan alam,

yang sudah sekian lama,

bersujud kepadaNya.

dan dia tak perlu melihat dunia,

kerana yang dilihatnya adalah langit-langitMu,

ingatannya hanyalah padaMu,

dan segalanya telah sebati dengan alam,

hingga tak dirasai lagi, kewujudannya,

hingga dia mengetahui, waktu azan-azanMu,

tanpa perlu menunggu orang lain dahulu,

hingga dia mengetahui, petanda-petandaMu,

tanpa perlu diingatkan orang lain,

hingga dia akur dan redha,

dengan setiap hela nafasnya,

padaMu, ketetapanMu,

dan pada saat itu,

dia telah bersebati

dengan alam,

dengan langit,

dengan galaksi-galaksi yang diwujudkanMu,

dan mungkin,

dialah hambaMu,

yang paling merendah diri,


Thursday, March 3, 2011

for my grandmother....

When Allah s.w.t decides to give, not a hand on this earth can stop Him from giving,

When Allah s.w.t decides to take away something, not a hand on this earth can prevent Him
taking it away.

He took my grandmother away. She's gone.
Just a few months ago i took her hands and sat by her side.
Just 5 years ago, she smiled when she saw her granddaughters all growing up.
Just 10 years ago, she smiled when she knew her children are doing well on their own.

My grandmother gave birth to 10 children; 6 sons and 4 girls.
With her own bare hands, a kampung house, a small piece of land,
she and grandfather sown seeds upon seeds of vegetables, rice,
collected buckets and buckets of rubber milk,
upon the gasoline lamps, taught her children to study,
watched them graduate from universities one by one,
watched them sending photos of their own families,

and she sat there looking at the photographs every night,
looking at all those gone by years,

and now she's gone.

she taught my mother to be strong,
therefore she is stronger than anyone i've known,

knowing Allah s.w.t has chosen this way,
there's nothing i can do but to bury this pain.

and when i know i can't give her prayers of al-fatihah,
my heart is wounded,

and the only thing i can do is to pray that Allah s.w.t will lighten her burden in the afterlife,
ease her journey, and save her from any more sufferings.

Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un
To Allah we belong, and to Him shall we be returned

Monday, February 21, 2011

When they sing

When they sing,
of Your Words, Your Sentences, Dear Lord,
in groups, gathered together,
with an Imam,
or just by themselves,
at dawn, mid noon,
dusk, or in the dark of nights,

do they remember,
all that they read were Your Revelations?

those that were revealed long ago, by Jibril Your angel,
from the sky,

revealed to him, Your Beloved,

and when Your Words are spoken,
the vast sky had once shook,
for they fear of You, Dear Lord,

and when Your Words are heard,
them who resides in the sky once dropped down,
prostrated upon You,
for their fear of You, My Lord,

and Jibril shall be the first to rise up his head,
to hearken Your order, to bring Your Revelation to him, Your Beloved,

till the end,

do they still remember now, those that listens to Your Revelations?
do they still remember now, those that gathered to sing of Your Words?

Words that once made the sky shook,
Words that once made them who lived in the sky shaken,

and when they sing,
with a melodious voice,
with praises, prizes, wealth and status,
to the one with the prettiest of voice,

do they remember,

all Your Words,
Your Revelations to us,

that were once guidance to him, our Prophet,
that once stopped his tears, lessen his fear,
that once were spoken out of his humble lips?

or everything,

has long been lost, long long ago?

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


a fellow muslimah said, "be grateful that we are born as Muslims. Try and imagine we are born as kafirs (non-muslims), and we do not know anything about islam..." She said this, in a roomful of muslimahs, and me.

i was born a kafir, and i do know about islam.

"It is true you will not be able to guide everyone whom you love: but Allah guides those whom He will and He knows best those who receive guidance."


"... Allah sets on the right path whom He pleases.." (2:272)

"He grants wisdom to those he pleases; and he to whom wisdom is granted received indeed a benefit overflowing; but none will grasp the message but men of understanding."(2:269)

i was born a kafir, two people whom i love the most, whom my life they gave, are kafirs. And when you seek to say those that were born Muslims are better than those that were not... i beg to differ.

We did not choose who we want to be born as. It is all in His hands.

to me, each and everyone of us, kafirs or muslims, are equal. The thing that makes any of us different is how much of Allah's words, of Islam that we came to understand, love and practice.

and, at a certain point of our lives, when our hearts are opened, He will guide us, just like He guided His Prophets, the Sahabbah, and those that have died before us.

To me, if i were given a choice, i'll still choose to be who i am now. A person who was not born Muslim, but found Allah and Islam somewhere along the path, with His guidance.

...because, if i weren't so,

i wouldn't have dreamt of His light,

i wouldn't have dreamt of His people,

i wouldn't have felt the beauty in praying,

wouldn't have understood and memorized the meanings of each words uttered in a single prayer.

i wouldn't have known, the difference between other religions,

i wouldn't have felt, seen, learn, read, things that i came across before i found my CERTAINTY in Islam.

and if you ask me, i stood by my choice. I believe in His words, and will stand by them 100%, even if i have to sacrifice everything that i love (my family, my home).

the question is... if you were born a Muslim,

how many of you have the chance to see, to feel, all that i've been through?

things that make you cry in your prayers, things that make you not want to sleep but use the whole night to pray, to tell Allah, syukur for Him, for everything?

if you were born a Muslim, how many of you would know the price of sacrificing for Allah, for Islam?

knowing that you are going against your ancestors, you parents and family will be hurt, yet you stand firm, knowing that even if you lose everything, He shall provide enough for you?

...and again, to me,

a Muslim, a kafir, they are just the same, and neither is better than the other, only different. What actually matters, and what we should be grateful for each and every day...

is our very next breath of air,

the next dawn that comes,

the next chance of sujud,

the very moment we can open our eyes and see,

the Quran, His words,

the food, the clothes, His bountiful gifts to us,

the strength in our soul,

the love in our hearts,

the laughter that ends in us reminded of Him,

the tears of being touched by His power,

our leader, how he loved us.......

these are the things we should be grateful for... not just about whether we are born Muslims or not.

for if i were to have followed what i've seen in my fellow Muslim friends 2 years ago,

i'd have given up on life and faith, and ultimately... not be where i am right now.

even if i dont have my parents teaching me about Him,

even if i dont have anyone teaching me to read His words,

even if i dont have a teacher to teach me the practices,

i wouldn't want to trade what i've been through, just so that i can be born a Muslim.