a letter to Ma

Ma,

I'm sorry i couldn't let you know earlier,
things like these are too hard to explain,
why i chose to seek God,
why i need God in my life,
why do i seek the truth,
and ultimately,
why i have found Islam.



Ma,

you keep telling me to be tough,
because in many ways you have been that,
in your life, you needed to,
working your way up,
through determination, preservation, and thriftiness,
you fought hard times with your courage,
you are a true hero,

and i am none, but a mere weakling.

But Ma,

the day i found Allah,
the day He found me,
He gave me strength that i've never had before,
a limitless source of strength,
so that i can stand up on my own,
and that i can now pave,
the path He hath set before me,

i am no longer lost now, Ma,
i know what i need to do in my life.

Ma,

Islam has never changed me,
Instead, it makes me better,
happier, and more at peace within myself,

It will never change my love for you,
for dad, for our family, never,

instead,
It only deepens this love,
It only teaches me to appreciate you more,

and i never mean this,
if this is going to hurt,
the moment the truth comes out.

Ma,

will you accept me as who i am now?
will you not be disappointed, and
see me a daughter you no longer need?

Ma,

21 years ago, you gave me life,
will you allow me now,
the me that have found Allah,
to continue being you daughter?

Ma,

I'm sorry i have to keep things from you,
I'm sorry things have to be so,

I'm sorry if this is going to hurt,

but please,

know that this path i chose,
has brought nothing but goodness,
in me, my life, my soul.

Ma,

Islam is nothing to be afraid of,
Islam has been the faith, since the beginning of time,
Islam is everything that teaches you about life,
Islam is, God's way of loving us.

and if you can understand it,

Islam is truly beautiful.

Ma,

People will tell you i made the wrong choice,
People will talk behind you, behind me,
things that are hurtful, painful,
People will say, their assumptions,
but Ma,

these are those that have yet to understand,
in these times, please Ma,

be patient, and have faith in God,
trust in Him, trust in me,
smile to them and... just smile.


Ma,

so many things so beautiful about Allah,
that i so want to share with you,
so many times i want you to feel,
the feelings that shook my soul,

if only you will understand.

and Ma,
when the moment comes,
for you to know this truth,
just keep it in your heart that,
no matter what is going to happen,

i will always love you.

i will always be your daughter.

Finally in my dreams

Finally,

in my dreams,

i am Your servant now,

adorned in white,

thinking of You,

among others,

who've found themselves in You.

Before this,

i was searching,

nothing definable by my clothes,

an onlooker,

journeying along a strange new path,

but now,

I belong to You.

Finally,

even in my dreams,

i'm one of your servant now,

and You've accepted me,

like You've accepted many before me,

millions of miles better than me,

i am a mere weakness,

You still have accepted me,

and in my dreams too now,

finally,

I am serving You.

Finally.

Kirimkan

kirimkan sejuta salam.

buat malam yang panjang ini.

yang memamah hati hingga hilang,

segala mimpi yang hanya memudar.

kirimkan seribu kasih,

buat masa yang berlarutan ini,

yang mendukung ratusan memori,

hingga apa yang benar dan apa yang fantasi,

bercampuran, beradukkan,

hingga tiada titisan pemisah.

kirimkan sepuluh sayang.

buat mereka yang pernah melukai.

jiwa ini masih teguh berdiri,

katakan pada mereka,

segalanya tiada makna lagi.

kirimkan seutas cinta,

buatNya yang nipis dalam kabus,

sesejuk subuh yang sepi,

kembalikanlah segala yang diyakini,

sesungguhnya,

AdaNya tetapi tidak merasaiNya,

lebih perit,

dari tidak mempunyaiNya.

kirimkan sehalus iman,

buat insan ini yang jatuh,

FirmanNya selalu berdering,

namun,

hambar, hilang dan pudar di latar keduniaan.

kirimkan sejuta salam,

seribu kasih,

sepuluh sayang,

seutas cinta,

sehalus iman,

dalam dambaan pilu seorang pencari.

Kekadang

kekadang terasa,

ingin dihamparkan,

sisa baki hidup ini,

bersujud kepadaMu,

malam, siang, ribut, panas,

biarkan mengalir semua,

sedih, pedih, tawa, gembira,

kutinggalkan semua,

demi ibadah ini,

yang menyahut jiwa sepiku,

dengan sejuta mahabbah.

kekadang terasa,

ingin dilemparkan jauh,

dunia ini yang makin menghitam,

menutup tirai, menutup langsir,

menutup pintu, mengunci tingkap,

menghabiskan masa,

rukuk, sujud, memuji namaMu.

sesungguhnya,

ini ujian kami, hambaMu yang lemah,

melawan arus kehitaman dunia,

mengali dalam,

permataMu yang semakin menghilang,

perjalanan ini,

harus diterus jua,

walaupun bakal

bertambah payah.

kelak.

Demi Kau yang menanti.