Tuesday, February 15, 2011

alone

years and years onwards, i'll look back and i'll laugh. but for now, i'll cry.

Rasulullah saw used his whole lifetime in service to other people. From the moment he was crowned as the final prophet to walk on this earth, he used every single part of his breath, to help his people, his umat...us.

He cried days and nights, for Allah swt to guide us, free us from hell fire,
He fought bravely, amidst the lost of his sahabah in war, he fought on... so that we, can still have islam.

the final moments of his life, in his last few breaths, he spoke of none, but his umat... us. He died in worries, of his umat... us. He feared we will be lost without him, he feared not of his own life, but us.

and from a hadith that says, Prophet Muhammad s.a.w shall be the first to be woken up from his grave. The first question he asks is not of himself, instead he asked Jibril a.s to give him good news of us.

We shall be the last people to arrive...and he waited for us. "My umat!", he cried out..
and when his umat crosses the sirat, when he sees any one of his umat is about to fall into the hell-fire, he cried...and he asked endlessly for Allah s.w.t to ease his people's journey...to let them enter heaven, for they are weak.

how can we not cry when we hear of this story?
how can we still laugh when we talk of Prophet Muhammad saw?

12 Rabi al-awwal, 1432... today is his birthday..
12 Rabi al-awwal, 1432... i finally decided i need to face my friends as who i really am now, a Muslim.

My first bacaan Yaasin...among my friends, whom i've been with for more than 2 years.
everything turned out to be a mess.

tears came down as i listened to them reading yasin, the heart of Quran. There is a reason Yasin is the heart of Quran, and it is so beautiful...

they finally read Surah al-Ikhlas, Surah al-Falaq, Surah al-Nas, the 3 surahs i first taught myself to read apart from al-fatihah.

every small bits of islam means alot to me... and i can't stop crying.
2 years ago, i'll never be able to be here, reading yasin.
2 years ago, i'd never imagined myself performing a single solat,
yet here i am now,

in front of my friends, as a muslim.
and i can't stop crying.

when i really need the strength, support, from anyone, i found none...the people that i need, they are too far away.

so i cried.

the only person that cried in the room. and i felt like a fool.
i cried because of Allah, because of Prophet Muhammad, and the first time i felt like a fool doing so.

---if i can ask for one thing. i'll ask to be born a Muslim, so that i will never have to go through these things all alone.

---for once, i think i'm tired. I can't look back, but i don't know the way forward anymore.

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